He’s letting me take his arm in public now, and walk together for many minutes. Even lets me lay next to him on the couch during a recent visit. After dinner conversation with dear friends, leaving the restaurant, he offers his arm, chivalrously bending his elbow, tipping his chin up toward me in invitation. Linking arms with my son, a thought seems to arise out of nowhere.
“It was wild to figure out my mom wasn’t a superhero,” I say, “but I learned to accept her over time. It took way too long—wasn’t until she was sick the second time that I figured it out.”
Then I mention how lucky we are, this early in our lives, to share mutual respect, even though I’m not a superhero either. He looks over at me.
“But I know my mom is a superhero.”
Managing to hold myself together, I keep walking, squeezing his arm. He continues.
“I mean, you’ve managed to build a whole life, supporting me, just by being yourself.”
At once I feel empty and full, wide open and hyper-focused, heart bursting out of my chest. I wish I could disappear with just this. I stay quiet and hold his arm more closely, tears in my eyes. A certain text comes to mind, about connections so strong, we’re released into the moment completely.
To study the way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be actualized by myriad things. When actualized by myriad things, your body and mind as well as the bodies and minds of others drop away. No trace of realization remains, and this no-trace continues endlessly.
—Genjo Koan
No trace remains. In this small moment on an icy side street in Telluride, in the clearest connection, everything disappears: the past, the present, even the mistakes.
Today’s audio practice intends to fortify you to just receive. Below, one gift, a short note on practice, and one potential inquiry.
A gift.
Sharing ways I’ve learned to relate to my son from a place of ease (mostly), the Perceptive Parenting Course is $100 off for subscribers to this page. Use code “Holding100” at checkout. Quietly and with humility I’ll say that this course is my finest work, with a clear arc of learning and extra conversations and tips from both experts and friends.
Photograph, Pete Longworth.
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