A brief overview.
It’s 2005. Staring at the application for vipassana in my apartment, currently a yoga studio owner, retreat teacher, wondering if I’ll ever become a mother. Considering 10 days of complete silence with some lectures… Why does this seem more daunting than I’d imagined? How can 10 days be free—what’s the catch? And how is there no dinner? Can i even do this? I get about halfway through the application and stop. Another time.
It’s 2026. Staring at a handful of women of all ages, hand-wringing their clothing into a bucket and hanging garments on two lines in front of five mountains, with a mile-long freight train passing through the background, across the road. After several mentions and one clear invitation, I’ve made it to Dhamma Pasava in Lava Hot Springs, Idaho, for my first 10-day vipassana course.
Snapshots.
Hour 1: I hand in my phone. The feeling goes from abject anxiety to complete freedom in moments. I can taste something that feels like coherence as I hand it in, as I fall asleep with the kind of peaceful tech-free breathing I always dreamt of.
Hour 4: Our first sit. A visual rolls through, a negative sheet (remember those?) of me at ten years old, glasses and barrette, several frames. I wonder what this means.
Day 2 or 3: I get in trouble (appropriately) for breaking into a fit of uncontrollable laughter with my best friend Ally Bogard on the walking trail. We manage to pull it together.
Day 3 or 4: Am I seeing a circle of both my grandmothers with my mother, wisps of great-grandmothers lingering at the periphery, apologizing to each other?
Day 5: I realize my mind really is a white screen. Whatever I project upon it is just that, a projection. It’s going to change, go dark, go light, get more colorful, louder, more subtle, quieter. The projections keep changing. Can I become more interested in what’s happening in my body? Is that the practice? Are all these aversions and preferences precisely what I’m reshaping?
Day 6 or 7: I realize that the practice of feeling the sensations in my body is so utterly foreign. This body keeps struggling to focus on feeling, after spending a lifetime keeping busy doing and thinking. Cleaning, studying, reading, folding, creating, writing. Busy. Turns out that the practice of feeling the sensations in my body will one day be a way to “put on the brakes” as my teacher offers, a way back to equanimity, to peace, to harmony.
Day 7 or 8: Messy, stormy, crying inside. My teacher says that’s precisely right sometimes. Passing my attention through each part of my body. Staying stock still. Feeling the depths of sadness in my being, how i make people wrong, how i need to be heard and seen, how i’ve hurt people in the past. I gather them all here and apologize to each one in my heart.
Day 9?: I can see the error codes in my consciousness. Is that true? The beliefs: I am this religion, this is how i practice, this is what i believe, i should have everything i want, i should be perfect, all of these well-intentioned error messages in my subconscious coding. I can see them all scrolling across my being, as I watch sensations change and morph and dissolve and reappear.
There’s a Part II, with more storytelling and depth, coming next week, I promise. This is a good beginning to sharing the coherence coursing through my being.
For now, some Thank you notes to the others who were with us:
-Thank you to the one creating the mini cairns on our walking path.
-Thank you to the one walking barefoot in the mud after the big rains.
-Thank you to the one creating the nest-like structure right in front of the sign that reads “Course Boundary.”
-Thank you to the one creating the silent grave for the dead mouse on the path.
Lastly for now, a haiku I scribbled months ago, which I now see was written for our crew. Sent it to Natalie Goldberg who wrote me back, “good haiku.” Which means she kind of loves it, I think.
come play with me
i forgot my shoes
and my reason for being
Resources for you
LIVE this FRIDAY, 1215pm Eastern, with jillian pransky on her new book, The Power of the Pause.
LIVE this SATURDAY, 11am Eastern, with Tracee Stanley on her new book, Living Ritual.
Hold Nothing Foundation is live! Feel free to support this column as a paid subscriber (which is directed to the Foundation), or donate directly here.
Weekend Retreat, November 5th-8th, Santa Fe. Practice with me at the gorgeous Modern Elder Academy. A long weekend to reset, reconnect, enjoy silent mornings, enriching practices and wonderful meals.
Thank you for being here.
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